When a child is first born, you have an ocean of lessons to teach. Babies need to be taught how to eat, roll over, clap hands, crawl, and eventually you will teach them how to walk. Once they walk, they’re not called ‘babies’ anymore. They become Terrific Toddlers.
Do you know one thing you don’t have to teach your offspring? To lie. I never tell the Toddler he’s a liar, I fear this will teach him to lie even more. But, he lies. He lies all the time. Then, I lie. We’re a big bunch of liars, and you may not want to stand near us. They really haven’t determined whether spontaneous combustion is a real thing yet.
In no particular order, here’s some of our family’s whoppers:
1. Thomas isn’t on right now, he will be on later. Thomas is always on, we have Netflix. I could stream Thomas the Tank Engine for days.
2. If you didn’t smack Mommy in the face or pull her hair, we must have a poltergeist. When the Toddler is asked why he hit Mommy, he shakes his head as to say “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He then bats his big baby eyes, and pulls my hair while laughing.
3. “I pooped.” This lie happens mainly at bedtime. He wants out of his bed, he’s sleep stalling.
4. “I want cheese.” I unwrap the cheese and hand it to the Toddler, who said he wanted it. He throws it on the floor and walks away.
5. Are you Batman? The Toddler will always shake his head ‘yes.’ I don’t tell him the truth. He’s Batman to me.
6. Seth Rogen is Da-Da. My husband bears a slight resemblance to Seth Rogen. If the Toddler sees Seth Rogen, he will call him “Da-Da.” I always respond, “Yes, I wonder how Daddy got on the cover of Rolling Stone?” And yes, Marilyn Monroe is Mommy.
7. Green Beans are candy. I’m reaching a breaking point with picky eating. I will call everything candy if it makes him eat.
8. I brushed my teeth. No, you didn’t. You ate the toothpaste, I watched you.
9. Drink, please. I then make the drink, hand it to him, and he throws the cup onto the floor. You know who isn’t lying about needing a drink? Mommy.
10. I want to play blocks. I always assumed playing blocks meant building things like forts, castles, or a little house. It means throwing blocks, like a Major League pitcher, at my head. That isn’t playing, that is target practice.
11. Thomas still isn’t on. Sophia is on. I actually like Sophia the First. And, it’s not really a complete lie if Sophia is on.
12. Elmo is calling. Judge away, but there’s an Elmo app on my phone for diaper changes. Elmo calls whenever my son needs a pants change. It keeps his hands away from the poop, and I don’t have to play wrestle the Toddler to get a fresh diaper on. So yeah, I make Elmo call us.
13. I colored. He points to this picture like he did it. I always tell him he did a GREAT job (also a lie.) He didn’t color this.
So, we are a big bunch of liars. That is a truth.