As a first time parent, I often pose many questions. Lately, my questions and desires are starting to revolve around animated, cartoon shows. The T.V. is on, and sadly, there is no more “True Blood.”
To Eric Northman, I profess an undying love. Like a kind of love similar to your character, an immortal love building up in my heart overflowing with unrequited passion. I miss you, Eric Northman.
And there I go, thinking about grown-up shows. I effin’ miss real television. Cartoons are confusing. I know they aren’t supposed to make sense. They’re aimed at a particular audience, not a 30-something grown ass woman. I shouldn’t try to understand shows geared towards to children. It’s on and it’s what I got. My child doesn’t really watch it. And he won’t let me read books like I used to, so here I am psychoanalyzing cartoon shows.
These are my top five cartoon conundrums:
1. Thomas the Tank Engine-The trains make their own decisions. First off, if you can make it past the most annoying theme song ever invented without pulling your ears off, I congratulate you. This song will become super glued into your memory till the day you die. Even if you don’t pull your ears off, you still have to watch a show where the trains run an entire rail line. Yes, there’s Sir Topham Hatt; he’s a rich dude who owns the rail line. He tries to tell the trains what to do by calling jobs “special specials,” but the trains pretty much do what they want. I see engineers on the train… yet, they never actually control the trains. These engines run out of coal and sit on the tracks until another train rescues them. Why the engineer can’t put more coal into their firebox is beyond me. And, if you are not familiar with Thomas the Tank Engine, here comes a spoiler alert. Gordon the #4 engine is a douche. Consider him the bully engine. He’s bigger and faster, and he tells EVERY PERSON AND TRAIN he meets how great he is.
2. What kind of LSD did they put into the champagne “Dumbo” drank? I’ve drank several bottles of champagne, sometimes in one sitting, and never in my life have I seen pink elephants marching in a parade. Maybe an elephant’s mind is more vulnerable to alcohol, I’m not sure. This entire sequence seems like an acid trip gone BAD. It’s a baby elephant and a mouse, they are both hallucinating their asses off. Pink elephants march and multiply, it is terrifying. The clowns who supplied the champagne were doing acid, this is the only solution I have. Unless… perhaps, they were not drinking champagne at all, and it was Absinthe, maybe that’s what happened. Dumbo drank Absinthe and hallucinated, and now I don’t have to worry about this anymore.
3. Get Caillou a new voice. Just do it. Every parent hates his voice. When I first became a parent, I didn’t grasp the full hatred which is “Caillou.” I understand now. The minute I catch a premonition that “Caillou” might come on the T.V. I change the channel faster than Michael Phelps can swim one lap. I’m that fast. His voice has the sound of long, unkempt fingernails grinding on an old dirty chalkboard. Why doesn’t this kid grow up already? Or why can’t the show hire a new voice? If it’s a money issue, let me work out the math for you, producers of Caillou. Some parents may not mind your show, and will actually let their kids watch your show if Caillou wasn’t so whiny. If you have more viewers, you will gain more advertising dollars. Until then, keep being the worst, most annoying cartoon character ever drawn. All parents hate you.
4. Nina is a liar. There is a short cartoon on Disney Jr. called “Nina has to Go,” the main character is a little girl who LIES incessantly about not having to go to the bathroom. When asked if she needs to use the restroom, she will always respond with “no.” Two seconds later, when there is no bathroom in sight… guess what? Nina has to Go. This creates the set up for one of the worst helicopter grandparents I’ve ever witnessed, literally. Nina’s “Nana” has a jet pack and can fly into any given situation to rescue Nina. The premise in this short cartoon is to help with potty training. Instead, kids are being taught to lie about having to use the bathroom.
5. Where does one buy a Why Flyer? “Super Why” was my child’s favorite show until the snow and sickness came this past month, then we moved to the Island of Sodor. No joke, I’ve seen every “Thomas the Tank” episode in the course of a few weeks. However, I want a Why Flyer. I want one really bad. I want a hovering little spaceship, I’m sure my son would think it’s the BEST present EVAH! I feel as a parent, I should warn other parents. Why Flyers have no visible safety features. As your child flies high into the sky, while singing about the ‘power to read,’ there is the risk that he or she may free fall to the ground. Still, I want one. I accept the risk and will sign the waiver. I want a Why Flyer. Scientists, please make this happen. Happiness is depending on your actual creation from a cartoon, and I’m pretty sure we were promised flying cars by now. A ‘Why Flyer’ would be acceptable.