Mondays. Glorious start to the work week. It took two hours today and I needed someone to approach me wearing their blue cornflower tie (Fight Club reference, I know) to put the cherry on the cake. Within two hours I have been peed on and then as I jumped back because a sudden warm flow still startles me, toddler cried. He used to laugh with delight when he got one of us. Now, I am afraid he is becoming self conscience about his potty moments. In the same time span, he used his limited vocabulary to once again say “no, I don’t like dinner tonight. Not eating it.” The lack of words went more like a screaming fit which implied “Hell no, I ain’t sittin in that highchair.” So that was that. And as most mommies, I worry. Did he eat enough? Will he wake up at 2 a.m. and decide he is hungry then? Am I bad parent for not fixing a second meal and trying again?
Anymore I wake up with two goals as a parent.
1) Try to keep little human alive and safe today.
2) Try not to psychologically scar my child.
My other goals for a day include to do whatever my paying job asks me to do. Because I like working there and I don’t feel like a super failure at this job. Then I try to write something or create within my mind what I would like to write about. Most of the time I never get around to doing any of this writing. Parenting and paying job take a lot of my spare time and thus I am tired. On a good week, I can wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. and get some of my creativity out.
So far today I have completed my first two goals. The babe is asleep and besides making him aware he peed on me, I don’t think I completely traumatized his childhood yet. One flair badge earned.
The day is not done and he very well could wake up hungry. I may have earned more flair tomorrow or in the wee hours of dawn. There is so many things I don’t recall being told about having a child. And I googled everything before he came and when we didn’t sleep because he had the colic.
The first thing no one told me about was labor and delivery. They never said so many strange women would stick their hands in my private area and I would feel pretty violated when the ordeal was done. Definite flair badge earned.
They never told my general anxiety would become increased into a heightened nature and some days I have chest pains because I worry so much. They told me I would love him like I have never loved anything before, and they were right. But I worry a lot. .
They never told me about the guilt trips which happen because I have always overextended myself and still do. And I always worry I didn’t teach him something valuable today. Today I showed him how to move a chair to reach higher places, this will in turn cause more worries. Because in a few weeks, I am prepared to find him on top of the fridge. (Completely my fault. I take full credit. Flair badge earned.)
They never told me I would begin to sound like Kate Gosselin. Become naggy. Tell my husband he doesn’t do things right. He is probably doing things right but they are not done my way, so I get fussy. In fact I get real fussy with him now over stupid little things. These stupid little things don’t matter. Toddler doesn’t know or care if his socks doesn’t match his outfit. This is my care. What should be my bigger concern is making my husband feel like he is being the best father he can be, because he is trying and I am not giving enough credit which is due to him. No flair badge for this.
Today is just a case of the Mondays. And I got a few flair badges. I kept my little human alive today. Only scarred the toddler a little and did everything the paying job required me to do. I should feel pretty gangster about today, even if I did get peed on. But there were many things in which I did not get the memo about. Stupid cover letter on the TPS report.