Mama said I needed to write you because you’ll bring me presents. I saw you at the mall, and you looked terrifying. However, I need some things. Mama and Da-Da give me toys, but I don’t want those kinds of toys. I’d really like some packing peanuts. I keep seeing them arrive in boxes, but they’re quickly taken away and I’m not allowed to eat them. I want a box filled with packing peanuts. I promise to eat every last one of them.
Another great present would be my own bag of “Cuties” tangerines. These little oranges make the perfect ball. Every day, I move my ‘helping chair’ to the kitchen counter and throw them on the floor. I’m asked to please not throw the “Cuties.” If I had my own bag, I could throw them all over the Earth! No one would be able to stop me.
Speaking of a ball, I need a new Nerf basketball. I have taken considerable bites out of the Nerf basketball I already own. A new one is needed in order to eat more Nerf. A boy can’t properly dunk unless he has large amounts of Nerf in his diet. I am Nerf malnourished.
This next gift is really important, Santa. I’d like a new iPhone 6. Everywhere I go, people are staring at their iPhones; I feel left out. I want to stare down at a screen and ignore the world too. It’s hard to reject reality when you don’t have your own iPhone. Also, I have important business to discuss with Elmo. I’m allowed to call him during diaper changes, but that isn’t enough time. Elmo and I need to talk about dancing and some ABC’s. This is important life stuff, and it’s crucial to my development.
Another essential gift would be some new graphic novels. Currently, my favorites are Marvel’s “Zombies” and “300” by Frank Miller. In “300,” they march to Sparta! So, something similar would work really well. I like the ones with paper book covers, because I can tear them apart and still have a book to read. Shredding paper objects is one of my best talents. If you want to drop off extra butt wipes and tissues, these would also make great gifts. I’m already a seasoned pro at tearing them apart!
I don’t know if you can fit this in your sleigh, Santa, but I need my own fridge. I don’t mean a mini fridge. I want a big fridge packed full of cheese, juice, whipped cream (the spray kind,) and condiments. You can forget the milk, fruits, and vegetables. I’m never going to eat those things. I just want to plunder through a big fridge without interruption from Mom and Dad. They’re really starting to piss me off by saying, “No, you can’t pull everything out of the fridge.” Then, they just shut the door like I’m not even standing there. I scream, cry, and stomp my feet to no avail. My own big fridge would solve a lot of confrontations.
Finally, I like outside toys. These toys can be rocks, leaves, and large sticks from trees. I desperately need a tent so I can make a permanent residence outside. Dirt is my FAVORITE! Santa, if I could make a home in the dirt, it would be the best present!
You should know, Santa, when I meet with you this year I’m going to scream bloody murder like I’m in pain. They say you watch me while I sleep. It’s a little disturbing to me that you’re doing this. There’s something I wanted to ask you, is your name really Tom? I heard if you watch people while they sleep, then you’re a Peeping Tom. There’s some kind of law or something, it says you aren’t allowed to watch people while they sleep through their windows. Last year, Mama said you had ‘dead eyes’ and you sat on a ‘throne of lies.’ Is that true? I’d like to see your Throne of Lies. I’m sure it’s pretty spectacular. I liked last year how you jingled a Mickey Mouse toy at my face and hurriedly threw me off your lap. If you could do that again, it would be SUPER!
I like Mickey Mouse a lot. Please don’t tell Elmo about me liking Mickey Mouse. He’ll get jealous, and then he probably won’t call me on my new iPhone. I promise not to tell anyone you’re a Peeping Tom. Thanks, I look forward to getting to know you as I grow up.
The Terrific Toddler
P.S. Don’t you dare send that creeptastic Elf who sits on shelves to our house; I will tear him apart. Remember, I’m good at shredding and tearing things apart.
P.P.S. Don’t believe my daycare, I didn’t bite ALL those kids. They make my parents sign those papers to cover their own ass. Thanks, you’re the best!