Over the last two years, I’ve enjoyed reviewing “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” I’m a little late in posting my annual review this year, but the good news is: THERE IS STILL TIME TO BUY ALL THE THINGS! YAY! And what better place to shop than what I think are paid advertisements. Oprah has never confirmed whether people pay to make her list or not. We are not on speaking terms as of yet, but I hope one day we will be. Oprah, Gail and me drinking out of fancy copper mugs. Dream big or go home.
You can see by last year’s review, A Misfit’s Not So Favorite Things, Oprah had sponsored advertisements listed in her favorite things. They direct you to Amazon. If you’re like me, you don’t need directing to Amazon, because well… shopping in your pajamas and Prime. Maybe you’re like me and have the anti-social gene, which makes shopping at Amazon the real mall of America for socially awkward people.
Here’s the deal: I’m not reviewing her entire list because that would take me years and no one wants to read that many words. I understand. I don’t want to write that many words. I’m only reviewing items 1 through 24. After that, you’re on your own to find things on her list you may want to buy.
Also, I guess I’m required to tell you no one pays me to write or review these things. I do it because I’m bored and I like to see what rich people are buying as Christmas gifts. I’m not rich nor do I really know any rich people, and it’s neat to see what rich people wrap up and send to their other rich friends. Sometimes, Oprah will throw something on the list that is affordable. I haven’t looked at the list yet. Let’s start, shall we?
- OH MY GAWD!! IT’S CAKE. HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY. CAKE!!! (I love the cake so much.) What?!! This is a $165 cake. Number one on her list is an almost $200 cake. Are you rich people sending cakes to people? I like cake, send me cake. Please. Number 1 is Oprah’s Poinsettia Flower Pot Cake. It’s a 3 tiered cake. But wait… I don’t see the word ‘buttercream’ anywhere in the description. Chocolate cake with vanilla mousse. My heart and soul are bawling the saddest of buttercream tears right now. Vanilla mousse is not buttercream. Do you know how much buttercream I can make with $165? It would last me a year. It’s a pretty cake with poinsettias. It doesn’t say if the poinsettias will poison your animals like the real ones do. You may want to ask before you order the $165 cake if the poinsettias are edible. I’m not doing that research for you. It’s a pretty cake, here’s the picture:
2. Mugs. Number 2 is colored bone china mugs. They are reasonable because for $50 you get 6 of them. Oprah says “everyone needs a good large coffee (or chai) mug.” We have a store in my town called Full Circle Ceramic. I like her mugs. Here is the one my husband bought me. It truly is THE PERFECT COFFEE mug. I wake up, pour my coffee into this mug, and think about all the “EPIC SHIT” I plan to do that day. My mug is way cooler than Oprah’s mugs.
3. Trio gloves for $38. They have the touchscreen finger things. You get three of them. Because apparently there’s a huge first world problem where people are losing a glove, and they need a spare. We just elected a fascist for our president. I’m not too concerned about losing a glove right now.
4. Floating Pearl Earrings for $80. It’s just a long wire with a pearl at the end. I feel like I just wrote an advertisement about a deviant sexual device. I’m going to stop there. Earrings with a pearl at the end, $80. It’s your money. You can buy the floating pearl device for your ears if that’s your thing. Oprah had her ears pierced in 2005, in case you need that knowledge for beer trivia. #TheMoreYouKnow
5. I think my husband bought something on the Oprah List. WE RICH!! Just kidding, he’s a teacher and I’m a writer, we are poverty level poor. But he does have a contraption on his key ring that locates his phone and he can use it to find his keys. I don’t know if it’s the Orbit Key Finder brand. My husband backs things on Kickstarter occasionally. But at $30 I can’t really fuss because we may use this. So far we’ve only used it in this situation:
Husband: Watch this. (Hits button on his key, phone makes a noise.)
Me: Yea. That’s cool. (Secretly on the inside I’m not impressed at all.)
It’s hard to top the coolness of my “Do Epic Shit” mug.
But if you lose your keys and phone, the Orbit Key Finder is for you! If you lose them simultaneously, you’re screwed.
6. Scented Fire Starters, $49 for a box of 20. They are made from organic beeswax and Oprah claims she feels cozy when she uses them. I look at them and immediately start singing Prodigy’s “Firestarter”. When the world ends and you have to start a fire, you can still feel fancy and maybe the smell from the cute little pine cone shapes will distract you from the apocalypse.
7. I’ve determined how to identify rich people: They smell rich. Because #7 is Peoni Cleanser, Toner and Cream. The Cream alone is $195. That is a damn utility bill and you’re wearing it on your skin. The toner and cleanser are $60. I bet this is what newly printed money smells like, $195 peony cream. Go to the Pinterest right now and learn how to make your own cream. It will not cost you $195.
8. THE AMAZON AD. Yep. It’s BAAAAACK! Amazon shelled out some serious advertising dough and made it onto Oprah’s list again. You know why? You can buy Oprah’s Favorite Things on The Amazon. They probably come with Prime 2-day shipping. Grab your Ambien and wine and prime away.
9. Organic Grow Kits ranging from $17 to $19. I’m sold. I was also sold on these last year but they were more expensive because they came in trendy mason jars. This year they’ve lowered the price by like $30 and you get what looks to be a paper bag. Paper bags are the new mason jars. Grow your own food though, you’re probably going to need it next year.
10. Won’t Let You Down Coat for $189. Puffy vests and coats are out, so says Oprah because “No one wants to feel puffy.” No shit, Oprah. These might make good survival coats because they are made of down and water resistant. You can stay warm by your pine cone fancy smelling fire when we are all stranded in the wilderness due to the fact we elected a fascist as our president. I think Oprah is preparing us for the Hunger Games. Buy the coat and the fire starters.
11. Travel Cord Rolls. Apparently there is another first world problem people are having where their electronic cords become tangled. Get your shit organized for $20 and roll like Oprah. Pun intended.
12.Creative Co-Op Stoneware Mini Bakers with Lids. I’m guessing these are really tiny. Oprah doesn’t give their exact dimensions but you get 4 for $45. She goes on about mashed cauliflower and giving your guest their own “adorable serving”. Are we really worried about this? Do you go to someone’s house and get pissed off because you didn’t get your own adorable serving in a tiny baking bowl? If someone invites me to dinner, I have two reactions: 1) Please don’t make me go. 2) Sweet, I get free food and there might be cake. I might go to this event.
I don’t care if you serve me on a plastic plate. I’m happy you like me enough to invite me to dinner even though I’m anti-social and will probably not show up, unless you have cake. Cake is an exception.
13. Oprah is preparing us for impending doom. I just know it. Lucky #13 is the Canary and Canary Flex Security Devices. Guard your shit. Keep an eye on your home. Call the police when you see a prowler. At first glance I thought this was a bird watching device, I was wrong. It is a spy camera to keep your house safe because shit is going to get real. Oprah recommends this security camera with a price tag of $199.
14. “The Book Of Joy” for $26. Okay, let’s have a talk about books. Half.com. You can get books cheaper on Half.com. Oprah’s book of joy is $15 on Half.com. You’re welcome. Be joyful, save money. Or write your own book and make money, it doesn’t have to be joyful. It can be whatever you want to write. You’re the writer of your own destiny when you write your own words. Write on.
15. Eight-Inch Salt and Pepper Mills for $38 EACH. They come in a rainbow of colors. Oprah says “they will add some fun to your daily grind.” She’s going to have to try harder to make me pay $38 for one salt mill. If you remember on last year’s list, I paid $7 for my sea salt from the witch store, which I announced at Easter dinner and our dinner guests awkwardly stared at me. And I got a HUGE bottle of sea salt. It lasted us like a year. Oprah’s are pretty though.
16. Another Amazon ad. Exactly 8 spots after the first Amazon ad. Amazon is banking and spending some major advertising dollars with Oprah.
17. Hairbrushes. Not joking. They are called the “Harry Josh Pro Tools Brushes” and Oprah just loves their mint green color. They start at $20 and go up to $60. She says they are almost as good as a day at the salon. I think that’s a boat load of advertising jargon. Unless these hairbrushes have the capability to color, shampoo, and cut my hair while I discuss new movies and gossip with my hairdresser, they don’t come close to any of my salon trips. I love my hairdresser. I don’t care what color of hairbrush he uses, he always makes me feel pretty. No hairbrush can replace him.
18. I’m calling these “expensive ass ugly shoes”. Oprah calls them “APL Tech Loom Phantom Sneakers” and they retail for $165-185 a pair. Okay, Rolling Stone just did an interview with Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys who has designed a pair of shoes where the proceeds from the shoes will go to Planned Parenthood. His shoes are only $97 and are not ugly. You can order his shoes at keepcompany.com. I like them better and they support a cause and are cheaper. Here are Ad-Rock’s shoes.
19. Stuffed Animals. That’s right, every parent’s worst nightmare. Please don’t buy my kid the “Jellycat Medium and Large Soft Toys”. In fact, no more stuffed animals ever. Please. He has a Teddy, he LOVES his Teddy. The rest of the stuffed animals are stuck in a bin. And if I get rid of one, he knows. He always knows.
20.Barefoot Dreams Bamboo Chic Lite Circle Cardis and Pants. The Cardi sweater thing retails for $116, the pants are a steal at only a $109. Do you know how many pairs of yoga pants I can buy at TJ Maxx with $109? Like way more than one pair. Oprah says you can wear while running errands without going “schlumpadinka”. I don’t know what that word means. But I like it. I am going to start walking out of the house shlumpadinka all the time and making it trendy AF. Pass on the fancy pants, Oprah.
21.Cell Case & Card Sleeve Crossbody. Apparently, Oprah has another friend named Urania and they wear these cross body cases all the time. I feel like if I wore this, thieves would would say “hey, thanks for the easy access to grab your credit cards.” Merry Christmas to THEM! No. You tuck that shit deep down in the bottom of your purse, not strapped across your body dangling for all see.
22. Oprah wrote a cookbook. You can pre-order it for $35. It will be released in January. Or wait until March, April, or May and get Oprah’s book at Half.com. My favorite cookbook is called “Charleston Receipts”, it houses recipes from America’s oldest existing Junior League. And it has the word “haunch” written repeatedly. I giggle every time I read the word “haunch”. Get this book instead.
23. The Original Pasta Pot. Okay for $30, I REALLY LIKE THIS. This makes a hell of a lot sense. There is a strainer built onto a locked lid. And Oprah asks, “Where has this been all my life?” I have to agree with her. I want one.
24. And we’re back to Oprah’s reality. Last but not least is a fancy $300 grill thing that I can’t pronounce the name. It’s called “De’Longhi Livenza All Day Grill”. She says it takes the place of three appliances on her counter. But it’s a bulky contraption that will sit on top of my refrigerator collecting dust and my husband will say things like “Last year I bought you that $300 grill thing and you’ve never used it once.” Because that is what happens when someone buys me something for the kitchen. Unless it makes cake or buttercream frosting, I don’t use it.
We’ve reached the end. Another year of some cool and expensive things Oprah put on her list. Or people paid to have their product placed on her ‘favorite things list’ like those Amazon ads. I’m not sure, this theory is pure speculation.
As we go into the holiday season, may we go with love in our hearts and family to celebrate with. To me, those things are the only gifts that matter. Material things usually end up collecting dust in my attic anyways.