Today I woke up in pee. It wasn’t my urine. Those overnight diaper/pull up things are liars. I attest to their ability to barely last 4 hours, as they make grand claims to provide 12 hours of protection. Last night, I took a sick little boy into the big bed and I wake up in the warmth. I will also testify to the fact it wasn’t warm. It was cold and damp and uncomfortable. At 5 a.m. I can think of a thousand better ways to wake up.
Tomorrow night there is a big drawing for ONE BILLION DOLLARS (please read ONE BILLION DOLLARS in your Dr. Evil voice from the Austin Powers’ movies. It’s more fun to read those words in his voice.) I bought some lottery tickets today and threw in on the big office pool at work. I was honest about why I wanted to put money in the pool.
“If y’all win and I didn’t play, there is no way I could ever come back to this office.” The philosophy being we all get rich together and never show back up to work again. Or there’s the other side to the coin, we are forced into coming back to work because we didn’t win ONE BILLION DOLLARS and we still have bills to pay.
Tonight I plan on licking my lottery tickets and plastering them onto my forehead. I want to enjoy the most I can get out of my $10. I want to have lottery dreams. Lottery dreams are the best dreams. The odds of actually winning the lottery are like astronomical.
I probably have a better chance of meeting Michael Fassbender and making him fall madly in love with me than I do at winning ONE BILLION DOLLARS. If you don’t know who Michael Fassbender is, he’s the new Magneto in the X-Men First Class movies. He’s magnetic and speaks with a beautiful foreign accent, and I spend a lot of days swooning over him.
I’m going to stop drooling over Michael Fassbender now because I have huge lottery dreams to conjure up. I’m a mom and it’s almost my bedtime.
What Would a Misfit Do With ONE BILLION DOLLARS?
- Not tell a living soul. I wouldn’t say a word. I would hire fake people to accept the check on television. I don’t want the world knowing I have ONE BILLION DOLLARS. There are certain people exempt from Rule #1. I’m either married to one of them, share blood with some of them, or they have seen me really drunk and stopped me when I kept calling the ‘airplane people’ asking if I could fly to Boston.
- Move. Move far far far away. People are going to find out I may or may not have ONE BILLION DOLLARS and they will ask for things. I’m not good at saying ‘no’, and due to my people pleasing nature I will end up squandering my fortune.
- Hire people. Hello Tax Lawyer Person, I hope you are honest and good at math. I am honest and not good at math. Regardless, I don’t know how to be a rich person or what Uncle Sam expects when someone gains ONE BILLION DOLLARS overnight. Which is exactly my reasoning for hiring thus mentioned tax lawyer person. You better be honest. I do know how to be angry, and we were taught to hunt early where I’m from. Don’t steal my money, trustworthy tax lawyer person.
- Call the student loan people. I would mess with them at first. I would start off the phone call pretending I still can’t pay them their ungodly amount for my overpriced education. I will fake cry for dramatic effect. After pulling their leg a little I would say, “Just joking, I need my payoff balance. Great news, I can finally afford to pay you guys back! Thanks for being so understanding. I really appreciate how you guys sold off my loans and broke them up into 12 different accounts so you could accrue interest on all them. That shit stops today. Let’s do a phone call high-five.” I would high-five the air.
- Pay off my remaining bills and breathe. I don’t think we need an explanation here. If you don’t have bills, I’m going to assume you live remotely in the woods and don’t pay the extortion bill called “Cable/Internet.” Therefore, you can’t possibly be reading these words.
I’m guessing you expected more extravagant dreams. My husband and I would probably visit “The Outback” upon winning the lottery. It’s the closest kin we have to the Sizzler.
“We goin’ Sizzler. We goin’ Sizzler.”
These are my lottery dreams. They aren’t big and grand.
But for the next 24 hours these dreams are mine, and I am a tiny, minuscule one billionth of an inch closer to achieving them. Throughout tonight and tomorrow, there is a dream I can have and I don’t have to worry about money.
A ticket and a dream, baby.
On Thursday, I will wake up and the damn national news will tell me someone in California or Idaho bought the winning ticket. I will curse at my television for ruining my dream. I don’t live in California or Idaho and I wanted to dream just a bit longer.