People like to use the email address I have provided on this page to ask one question:
“Will I review their shit?”
It says upfront I don’t write reviews. The reason my email address is public is because I want a literary agent. If you’re a literary agent, I want YOU for Christmas. You can email me at the address I’ve provided.
Dear random strangers who aren’t literary agents and are asking for reviews, in honor of the 3-6 emails I receive every week asking me to write a review, I give you the only review I do write! It’s about Oprah’s Favorite Things. She doesn’t send me any emails asking me to write reviews. I think I have to tell you this. This is unsolicited advertisement.
Grab a chair, get comfy, and let’s see what these billionaire swamp swimmers will be putting under their Christmas trees. As with previous years, I don’t review the entire list because no one has that kind of attention span. I only review items one through twenty four.
Oh, the anticipation is killing me! Let’s see what rich people are buying!
- “Wisdom of Sundays: Life Changing Insights from Super Soul Conversations” by Oprah Winfrey. The first item on the favorite things list is Oprah’s book. Apparently, Oprah has a literary agent. You know who wants a literary agent? ME. You know who needs to read this book? Every person in Congress and the House and Hollywood. Maybe you could learn a thing or two about morals. And how ‘tweeting’ and taunting other world leaders isn’t going to produce “Life Changing Insights”. It could cause WW3 and I didn’t sign up for a nuclear holocaust. Oprah’s book is $28. You can probably find it on eBay for cheaper. Or you can just wait a few months after it’s released and someone will probably donate it to your local little free library. This makes the book FREE if you donate another book. That’s how the little free library works. I have to explain this to my son every two weeks. “You can’t take books without giving books.”
- Pet Sounds. I have no idea what these things are. Little speakers? They’re adorably small speakers.
They’re bluetooth, and apparently some new animals have been added to this year’s collection. These exact same speakers were on Oprah’s Favorite Things list last year. That means they were a YUUUGE hit, or their public relations and advertising departments paid to have them on this year’s list too. You can never be too sure. Cute speaker will cost you $30 but Oprah gives you a 20% off discount if you type in OPRAH. This way they know their advertising worked.
3. Wheelin’ Groovy: Real, Gramercy, and Studio City Commuter Step-Through Bicycles. I like to call these bikes: I’ll get you my pretty, and your healthcare, and your tax deductions, and all that ever mattered to you bicycles.
This is what the GOP rides in on as they completely screw over your life. It looks exactly like the bike the Wicked Witch of the East rode in the movie Wizard Of Oz.
Because rich people who like to ruin lives and take away healthcare and sneak in last minute tax sessions need a house dropped on them. I know what every Republican senator is asking for this Christmas: The wicked witch bike. They’re the only ones who can afford this bike with a price tag starting at $1,200.
4. A Cut Above: N1 Series Six-Piece Knife and Acacia Block Set. All these words are seducing you by saying how fancy and shiny these knives are. So are the knives at Target, TJMaxx, Big Lots, and any other discount store. Oprah says they are ‘ergonomically perfect’. Maybe our new government uses these ergonomically perfect knives as they slash every government funded program and take away national forest land, or cut off elephants’ tusks. Their hollow handle design matches their owner’s shallow, hollow souls. You can get the soul reaping, land stealing knives for $230. Oprah also gives you the 20% off discount with OPRAH (because advertising wants to know their money is well spent).
5. Okay, number 5 makes me want to be a bird. Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from the United States. It’s a bird house. It’s the Beyonce of Birdhouses. Seriously. They come in fashions such as Novelty, Dutch Colonial, and Clubhouse. Starting at $91 and going up to $201 are these birdhouses, which honestly I thought were dollhouses until I read the description. Nope, these are for your birds to eat, nest, and poop in.
6. Echo Show. They gave Alexa a screen. Now she can’t only listen to what you’re talking about, Alexa sees you too. The government knows we hate them. This is why they keep trying to kill us by taking away our healthcare. We have an Alexa. I hate her. She doesn’t understand an Appalachian accent, and she’s always like “I don’t have that skill”. I have to go and enable the damn skill, and I had better get the words right or she’ll tell me ‘No’. Mostly, my son uses Alexa the most. He plays “Simon Says” with her. And she always repeats “poopy butt”, he plays this game for a good 30 minutes. Alexa is good for Simon Says. Otherwise she is creeping and turns herself on and is reporting back to somewhere, or someone. I don’t like Alexa, and I’ve told her this. Giving her a sleek screen is going to make me like her less. I guess she can show us a poopy butt now. You can get the new Alexa with the privacy invading screen for $230. She’s watching you. They are all watching you.
7. Pajamas. Matching pajamas. These were on last year’s list from a different company. A new company paid and now you can buy their matching pj’s for $10 to $40 a piece. They’re plaid. You sleep in them. If you live where I live, you can wear them to the store and to WalMart, basically they are essential errand running clothes. Pajama’s are a popular clothing item where I live. Just get up and go. I don’t wear my pajamas out of the house. But you do you.
8. Just For Kicks. These shoes are a crime against all fashion.
They’ve married crocs and loafers. I have absolutely no words. Completely speechless. Why?? Who would do such a thing? They want $130 for these absurd footwear abomination. Hahaha, if you wear these in the summer, your feet are going to have polka-dot tans. You paid $130 for polka-dots on your feet. Please someone give these as a gift to Betsy DeVos. Do it in the spring and say nothing about polka-dot tanned feet. I bet she won’t figure it out. Because she believes we need guns in schools for bears. She’ll never see the croc-loafer polka dot tan shoe coming.
9. It’s an ad. Legit advertisement. It says “Sponsored Content” and is paid for by Amazon. Their spying Alexa screen wasn’t enough. They bought more advertising.
10. Take Your Best Shot: LSA International Paddle Collection Vodka Serving Set. Do you know why this made the list? The election in 2016. Everyone is drinking more in the United States. How else are we supposed to handle the 50 “Breaking News” notifications that pop up on our phones all day long.
There’s a catch to this gift though. I don’t think it comes with the vodka. It should come with the vodka. We need the vodka the most. It’s priced at $185, for that price there should be the biggest bottle Grey Goose makes stuck in that sucker. Oprah says it’s “a perfect excuse to throw a party.” We know the truth: IT’S FOR SURVIVAL. And all those little glasses aren’t needed. Drink your pain away. Drink away your worries because yes, the government is cutting your social security and spending as fast as I can type. I type fast. Your retirement is gone. Global warming is happening. There is no future. Sorry, just kidding… or am I? Guess we’ll wait for the breaking news notification to find out. Maybe Alexa knows.
11. Salad Day. These are really called “We Don’t Want You To See Us Serving Salad Dressing Out Of The Kraft Bottle”. Rich people, I don’t care about your Italian handblown cruet set. There are bigger fish to fry these days. Instead of these fancy bottles, maybe we should trying caring about things like how women face sexual harassment DAILY. Or making an affordable living wage the same for all genders. Or not spending $50 on salad dressing bottles. Just pass the Kraft, I’m good.
12. Weight and See. This gift is increasingly popular in states like Washington and Colorado.
Oprah says “ounces matter”. And when they’re being grown and sold legally, yes, Oprah, they do matter. At $50, this is the present worth it’s weight in green.
13. Bottom’s Up: Active Compression Full Length Leggings. As if Spanx weren’t enough of a torture device, someone went and designed full length pants with Spanx material. Am I supposed to wear these under my clothes to give the illusion I don’t have a belly? I have a belly. My legs don’t need to be toned. Neither does my ass. Solid. As. A. Rock. I do my squats in hopes of not having to wear Spanx all over my body. If you want a smooth look, you can buy these uncomfortable pants for $98-$102. I’ve got three words for that: Fuck. That. Shit. I’m not spending $100 on any pair of pants. I did that once. They’re called my white pants. I won’t wear them because they’re the most expensive pants I own. I’m scared I will ruin them. They just hang there. Staring at me.
14. Back To The Future. Don’t get too excited. This is not a DeLorean with a Flux Capacitor. It’s letters for kids and I really love this idea. Kids have prompts and can draw pictures, make lists, and tell their stories about their future.
This would make a great stocking stuffer or birthday present, and it’s only $15. My son wants to be PJ Mask, this week it’s CatBoy. Last week it was Gekko.
15. ANOTHER. PAID. SPONSORED. CONTENT. This time I think it’s Verizon and their Hum machine. We see you, Verizon, paying to be on Oprah’s Favorite Things. We’re giving you the stink eye. Otherwise, you would have NEVER made this list.
16. I can’t put this any other way. Number sixteen is a $600 expresso maker. Congress likes to use this machine when they’re passing secret tax bills with handwritten margin notes while we sleep. Oprah says you can make espresso art if you’re so inclined. I bet Senator Shelley Moore Capito (she’s my senator, I’ve called her. We kind of know each other from my 1000 phone calls.) makes laughing emojis in her expresso before she goes to work. Then she makes dollar signs and smiles like the Grinch with her frothy upper lip.
17. Just Getting Warmed Up. I call these Baked Potato coats. The gold one reminds me of a baked potato. They are down and feathered filled and have a detachable hood. This hood works great for when you’re leaving Washington and you don’t want your constituents to see you after you stripped away their healthcare. If you see someone wearing one of these coats, ask why they care so little about the working class?
Fitted down fluffy coat costs $500. Someone is wearing your utility bills. Golden utility bills.
18. Mouth Of Babes: Julep Beauty Its Whipped Limited Edition Lip Vault. You get 25 matte lips colors. And for the low low price of only $300. For. Lipstick. I can’t. I love makeup. I wear pounds every day. But I can’t pay $300 for lipstick. I won’t pay $300 for lipstick. Oprah says “you’re going to want to kiss yourself.” I would like to say I would slap myself if I ever paid $300 for lipstick. Vault or not, it’s $300. Sarah Huckabee Sanders probably wears it, and then kisses herself for all the unbelievable lies she’s forced to tell the press. Self love, lady. Self. Love. Then she sings, “when I think about all the lies, I kiss myself.” “Mouth of Babes.” More like mouth of rich, corrupt, lying traitors.
19. Silent Night: Contact Free Snoring Solution. It looks like an egg. No shit. Look:
Apparently you slip into the pillow of a snorer and it will magically sense their snore. Then it inflates their pillow helping to adjust the position of their head and neck, and snore no more. It costs $300 and says it will eliminate the elbows to the rib. The elbow to the rib is longstanding technique and is FREE. You can also use the kick method. Or the I’m leaving and sleeping in the guest room technique. All of these are free as well.
20. Dahlia Shower Caps. It’s a turban style cap, it costs $40. I pull my hair up in a ‘Skank Knot’ when I don’t want to get it wet. Then I angle my shower-head down so it’s not splashing on my hair. My way only costs a hair tie. Oprah’s caps have different designs. You feeling fancy? Get an Oprah cap.
21. Give me a break… Seriously, someone stole an idea from Pinterest and made it into a product. They are selling this Pinterest craft for $45.
The Gratitude Glass Jar. You don’t get the paper scraps. Instead, the Gratitude Glass Jar comes with 365 cards and you get to share those cards with your family. Let me save myself $45. This year I’m thankful Charles Manson died because he scared the bejesus out of me. I’m thankful for my son. He makes me laugh. I’m thankful for clarity and rum. Look, I didn’t even need the jar. Thankfulness is a state of being, and can’t be contained in a jar.
22. SURPRISE!! Guess. Seriously, take a guess. A big shot in the dark at #22. If you guessed more sponsored content from Amazon, WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER. Another ad. Amazon is banking and advertising.
23. I own this. One of these. It’s a Ninja Blender. I asked for it last Christmas. And the blades will cut your fingers off. I didn’t pay $270. I think, but am not certain, you get the attachments shown here for that price.
We use ours for margaritas, because politics and heartburn. Margaritas give me heartburn. I also use the blender for meal replacements and to make my own smoothies. But if you want to shell out hundreds of dollars, you get these other attachments you probably will never use. Maybe you will, your call. I do recommend Ninja anything. There, I wrote a review.
24. Oh, HOLY MOTHER. Some of y’all paid $270 for a toothbrush? Yea, number 24 and last on my list of reviews is the Philips Sonicare DiamondClean Smart 9500 Series. I’m guessing this is how Paul Ryan’s mouth looks so shiny and slimy as he defends every decision made by his party this year, including endorsing alleged child molester, Roy Moore. Pretty smiles equals pretty lies. This toothbrush has an app. I hope the app sets your pants on fire every time this toothbrush senses lies have been told.
It’s been a strange year, folks. Apparently, for some of us it’s been a better year than for the rest. Please enjoy your lip vaults, wicked witch bikes, and other rich people things which aren’t a Misfit’s favorites things.
Christmas is not about favorite things, and the thousands of dollars some people are able to afford. Instead, it’s about ending a year and being thankful for the people in your life. Not because they give you presents, but because we embrace them for who they are. Faults and all. It’s the cheer we feel inside our hearts. It’s also a chance to end the year reflecting on decisions made, it’s never too late to pick a side. To be on history’s right side.