Prescription Parenthood.

Television land used to be dedicated to actual shows. They had all kinds of things like stories, plots, and characters. They gave us good feelings like when the nerdy Kevin Arnold scored a hottie named Winnie Cooper. We knew in our hearts that Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski had three babies and lived happily ever after.

Today, scripted reality television is the mainstay. Between the so-called realities are my favorite parts, the pharmaceutical commercials. I love these witty advertisements! I don’t remember any drugs being touted during my childhood ‘wonder years.’ The fact programmers schedule such brilliance over a bazillion times a day rocks my world!

We have allowed snake oil salesmen to make commercials and provide legitimate reasons for their magic pills. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure buys a boatload of advertising.

Can’t sleep? A cartoon butterfly can fly into your room and provide you with a restful night.

Side effects may include: Never waking up. Paralysis from the waist down. Dizziness. Loss of memory. You may lose a decade of your life due to sleeping. Increased appetite from sleeping for years. Aging while sleeping.

We move onto another favorite. Can’t get a stiff wick? Male troubles in the sack? Take the blue pill.

Side effects may include: a permanent boner. Your wiener may pop off due to the obscene amount of blood rushing into your private area. You may have to stick your wick in a hole you cut into a frozen pond to prevent it from falling off. Dizziness. Nausea. Not being able to think coherently. Panic attacks due to erection worries. Embarrassment, because you never know when the pill will work.

Then there was the commercial for the smoking cessation drug, I like to call this one “just smoke a cigarette.”

Ready to quit the nasty habit called cigarettes? Try crazy cessation. Side effects include and are not limited to: crazy rage. This rage will inhabit your dreams. You will be unable to distinguish what is crazy real life as compared to your crazy dream life. You will become a tyrant version of your former self. Increased appetite leading to rapid weight gain. Delusions. Stroke. And let’s not forget, raging anger. You’re a hostile non smoker. But hey, you haven’t smoked a cigarette. YAY!

I haven’t seen this next commercial yet, but I know its coming.

Are you looking for a kind of love you have never felt? Do you have bored insomnia with nothing to do? Is there an object you feel like you need to cradle and rock, and protect with your life?

Try Infants, Toddlers, Kids, and finally, Teenagers. This is a time released prescription. Prescription Parenthood.

Side effects will include, and once again are not limited to: Severe sleep deprivation. Mama/Papa bear rage when another human insults or threatens harm to your prescription. Undying devotion. Memory loss. Hair loss. Women may lose body functions due to making prescriptions. Lower self esteem as a result to hip teenagers using a vocabulary you can’t understand. Weight loss. Weight gain. Constant nervousness preceded by constant worry. Loss of speech caused by the never ending stream of “WTF’s?!” Paralysis due to one question, “Why is my prescription doing THAT?!” Scratches, bite marks, eye gouging, and possible broken bones. Severe aging. Faster loss of time. Cuddles.  The best memories. Days may never seem to have an end.

Parenthood is no prescription. In a day and time where magical pills are advertised throughout the day, there still exists one factual representation, false advertising.

blog Feb. 4

I love being a parent with all my heart. I love my son with every ounce in my soul. Parenthood comes with side effects. Some are wonderful, and some are exhausting. There are no perfect parenting days, just like there are no pills without side effects. It really is how you choose to take each day, each moment, each present reality.

I like to laugh a lot.

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8 Comments on "Prescription Parenthood."

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I laughed out loud at “can’t get a stiff wick” Great post, thanks for sharing!

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