Oprah, oh Oprah, I would like to tell you I am at a loss of words over your 2014 Favorite Things List, but I am not. Eagerly on Tuesday night, I awaited the election results. I scrolled through the ol’ Fakebook news feed and there it was, Oprah’s Favorite Things. Inside nostalgia arose, and for a moment I was five years old again and the giant Sears Christmas Catalog had arrived. See, I adore your Favorite Things List. It is the old Sears Toy Catalog but geared towards adults. Then I opened the list.
First on the list was Golden Beats by Dr. Dre set.
Golden Headphones and a small speaker pill box priced at $700. Dearest Dr. Straight Outta Compton Dre, are you kidding me? This is like 3 car payments. This is several months worth of groceries, or rent, or I could almost pay off the light colored couch which has chocolate stains with $700. I am not rich enough to rock Gold headphones. I kept reading hoping to find a loved one the perfect Christmas present.
#2 on the list is the Big O Key Rings and Card Cases.
These key chains range from $55 to $75. Key chains which cost as much as my car insurance for two cars. Oprah says in the Huffington Post article that these are “perfect for running errands.” I would like to add while you have no money to keep in them because you spent $75 on a key chain.
#3 on the list is one of only two items I can afford. It is Oprah’s book “What I Know for Sure.” This is affordable at $25. If you have any common sense, you will go to Half.com and purchase it for far less. Thanks for making your book affordable, Oprah.
Oh, number #4. After an affordable book, readers are treated to a “Ginger Beauty and Wellness Collection” at the low price of $295. That’s right, folks, almost three hundred bucks for some tea, body scrub, and a body soak.
You are going to need something to calm your husband down after you just spent $300 on some tea and bath shit. If I am spending a car payment on some tea and bath products, it better be laced with ashes from Aphrodite. I better come out of my bath looking like a Goddess. Oprah describes this product as being “generous but not overwhelming.” I am still looking for the part that is generous.
Then we hit number five. I loved #5 instantly until I saw the price tag at $189. Before I scrolled down to see the price, I thought this would make a perfect gift for my own mom and my mother-in-law. Number five is the Deluxe Vine and Bloom box.
It’s a box with flowers. Let me reiterate, a box with flowers priced at almost $200. If I buy a $200 box of flowers, it had better sprout hundred dollar bills. Because obviously, I need a money tree to buy things off Oprah’s Favorite Things list.
Next on the list is some green mugs. That’s right, green mugs. These are a steal at $120 and you get four of them.
Oprah says these mugs are the ONE because they fit nicely in her hands and hold the right amount of tea. At $120, I want to drink liquid gold out of them. You need some mugs, go to the Dollar Store or Marshall’s and get some mugs, I guarantee you will not spend $120 on them. At this point, I am starting to see a trend. Oprah likes a lot of green in her hands.
#7 is No Matchy Matchy Initial Stud Earrings. That’s right, dear readers, they don’t even match and they are $80 for one earring. Not only do they not match but if you live in the real world, you can only afford one. You can choose to buy them with diamonds, like small hardly visible diamonds for $150 a piece. One earring for $150. You can’t match because you can’t afford two, at least I can’t.
#8 is one I will give some credit to being decently priced. A long time ago before babies, like 2000 or 2001, I spent $90 on a robe from Victoria’s Secret. I am still wearing that robe today. I will not buy a new one although my husband hates my robe because it is old and has makeup stains everywhere. But Oprah says the Sheepy Fleece Robe is “super cuddly” and it’s only $84. I don’t have any argument on this one.
#9 on the list is my favorite, The Copper Tray and Mug Set.
Perhaps this is only a problem where I live, but people are stealing copper. When I say they are stealing copper, last week they stole the copper from a local substation and the power was out for over 3,000 residents in our area. Not only was power out, but due to the theft our local county 911 services could not be reached. They had to transfer all 911 calls to a neighboring county. I am pretty sure copper thieves can smell copper a mile away and I don’t want them sniffing it out in my fancy tray and mug set valued at $365. Oprah talks about drinking a Moscow mule out of her fancy mugs, I don’t know what a Moscow mule is. I assume it is a rich person beverage you drink out of a $400 copper mugs.
If you don’t want to only spend $75 on a key chain, then you can spend $289 on #10 which is a Classic Plain Travel Collection. Its a wallet with a separate passport cover. It’s real leather and silk lined, but it’s almost $300. And like all wallets do, it will sit in the bottom of my purse. A purse I bought at the bargain price of $45. Let’s do the math here, my purse cost $45 and I can buy a fancy wallet for $300, something isn’t right in this picture.
Number #11 is something one my best friends can probably make for under $25. Oprah found it for $65. It’s the Petal Lane “Be Bright” and “Surprise and Delight” Magnet Board. It has catchy phrases and is described as being inspirational.
I don’t pay $65 for magnet boards. I will never pay $65 for a magnet board. I have a fridge, it has word magnets. Therefore, I can make my own catchy inspirational phrases.
#12 is a tablet. It is a tablet I have never heard about. The Yoga Tablet Pro is priced at $500. You can hang it and shit. It has a projector screen. It is still $500. That’s like half my Christmas budget and seriously my kid can’t make it through “Frozen” without losing interest. And my walls have art on them, so I am not sure where I could project a movie in my home, nor would my kid pay attention to the fancy projection. There is a TV that hangs above the fire place, it is paid for. He can watch it.
#13 is more bath stuff. It is the Butter Trio which can be purchased originally for $93. You can buy them separately with prices ranging from $15 to $56. If I pay $10 for soap, my husband will fuss at me. Maybe it’s the Paula Deen in me, but can’t I just grab some butter out of the fridge and rub it on my body for the same effect? It’s a way cheaper version. At this point, go ahead and call me a cheapskate. I am okay with it.
#14 is another item I can afford but I don’t pay $36 for one pen.
I don’t care if Kate Spade did design it. I don’t pay the hundreds of dollars for her purses and I am not paying almost $40 for a damn pen. A pen which will also sit at the bottom of my $45 purse.
#15 is not poorly priced and I love the idea. However, I say once again I have very crafty friends who can make this for under $25. It just takes time. If you don’t have the time and want to pay $42 (which includes the frame) then you can own Heart Snapshot Mix Photo Art. You can also make one and do whatever design you want. Or you can pay for the heart because Oprah liked it.
Next to the Copper set, #16 is probably my next favorite. At the low low price of $144, you get a pair of socks and foot cream.
Socks and foot cream are almost $150. This is where anger began to rage at the Oprah’s Favorite Things. At $150, I can pay my light or gas bill. I sure as hell am not and will not pay $144 for socks. I work hard and my feet show it. I work hard to pay the light and gas bills and can’t ever afford to blow $144 on socks and foot cream. My feet will stay rough and occasionally will get a pedicure. How many pedicures can one afford with $144? And with a pedicure, they will even paint my toes any color I like. There is a good Christmas gift, a pedicure.
#17 I would buy. Do you know why I would buy it? It’s at Target. I love Target. And it’s only $20. Thank you, Nate Berkus, for still living in the real world. I would love your gold rimmed dessert plates. My child can pretend to eat his dinner off them. It’s not your fault, Nate. Your plates are very nice. He is a picky eater. He prefers mainly to eat things off the floor. But these plates are much fancier than the dessert plates I bought at WalMart when I started college in 1999. The WalMart plates are the ones my son currently pretends to eat from, so maybe he just wants to eat from something fancy. Maybe after I purchase these plates, he will actually eat his dinner. Talked myself right into these.
#18 I have no comment on. They are cufflinks. I am not up to date on my cufflinks. I don’t know what is affordable in cufflinks. Cufflinks are cufflinks to me. I think my husband wore some at our wedding. Other than that, we don’t do a lot cufflinks in our house. Oprah says she wears them and put them on her list at $68. The good thing is I think you get two cufflinks and they match. So the cufflinks are a better deal than those mismatched earrings up there.
#19 gets into ridiculous territory even for Oprah standards. It’s an Eyewear Case for $250.
Oprah states “I have lots of eyewear, so I am counting on these lacquered cases to keep me organized.” Oprah, I own one pair of glasses. One. I wear them everyday. They are called “my glasses.” This case is useless to real people. I don’t want a $250 lacquered case to hold my one pair of glasses.
#20 is pajamas. Pajamas which cost $155. These are inspired menswear pajamas. Because nothing is sexier than wearing men styled pajamas. My husband remarks all the time how sexy I look in his hooded sweatshirts, I am breathing sarcasm right now. You know who has pajamas that don’t cost $155? Old Navy.
#21 is Oprah’s Tea Ritual Set. If I am going to do any rituals, I am not paying $90. I can make tea just fine with Lipton or Luzianne. Sorry Oprah, but it’s a nice touch hawking your tea set by promising to donate $4 to your Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation. By the way, the nice man named Tom gives a free pair of shoes to kids in need every time you purchase some of his super comfy shoes. I want Toms for Christmas, not tea.
#22 is something I would have gone for a few years ago if it didn’t cost $125. It’s a baby inspired Welcome Home gift basket. I have made gift baskets for every baby shower I have attended. It never cost me $125. Oprah’s gift basket is filled with Organic Cotton outfits and almost all the outfits are designed with stripey shit. Prisons need to start selling their stripes.
I am not going to pretend. I want #23 really bad. It’s a fancy face cream called Edward Bess Black Sea Pearl Perfector. Fancy face cream costs $78.
Fancy face cream is infused with crushed pearls. You can rub crushed pearls on your face. Nice. I never had the opportunity to rub crushed pearls on any part of my body. This sounds way better than rubbing butter on my body. Crushed pearls, delightful. Once again, I have never paid $78 for face cream and I am not going to start today. Even if it has beautiful and luxurious crushed pearls.
How much do you guys spend on candles? Because Oprah spends $240 for a set of four. Coming in at #24 is the Complete Holiday Candle Collection. I buy my candles on clearance at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx. They do not cost anywhere near $60 a candle. Do you know how many bills I could pay with $240? Let’s think about candles, they burn. You are burning $240 when you buy this set. Rich people Christmas.
I am going to stop now. You can get the idea. And I have probably just blacklisted myself from ever getting published on Huffington Post.
Oprah, I grew up watching your show. I felt inspired by your stories. I was inspired by you. This list angered me. Most of the items on this list are unattainable when you live paycheck to paycheck. This isn’t a favorite things list for all. It is a favorite things list for the 1%. I am sorry, I am not a part of that club. We will still have fabulous Christmas though. I have a beautiful son. I have a husband who loves me and I love him. We will gather around our dining room table which was purchased second hand. We will not drink Moscow mules from Copper mugs, but we will wake up Christmas morning with presents under the tree. However, I doubt any of our presents will be from the Oprah’s Favorite Things List.
If you would like to view the complete list of Oprah’s favorite things, please check them out on the Huffington Post at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/04/oprahs-favorite-things-2014_n_6099606.html?utm_hp_ref=tw