*This post is deemed NOT SUITABLE FOR KIDS. If your kids can read and are nearby, please bookmark this page and come back at a more appropriate adult hour, like after their bedtime. If your kids are only able to reach “G” in the alphabet song, I am going to assume they can’t read yet, and you are in the safe reading zone.
The shopping outlets and malls are buzzing with holiday sounds. Christmas music is blaring throughout my soul. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The big guy arrived at the mall this weekend. He was decked out in his red velvet suit and had two Marie Antoinette style rouge spots on his cheeks. Mommies, daddies, and children were flocking to his spirit. He is the biggest lie of all. As we passed him today, I told the Terrific Toddler “It’s Santa!” I wanted to say it in my best Buddy the Elf voice, but my heart isn’t into building lies. I have many years to build lies, I am sure I will perfect the art as he gets older. Here are some of the mythical lies I am working on.
1. The Easter Bunny. I like to imagine my Easter Bunny as a giant white rabbit. He is always wearing a striped pastel vest which has a gold pocket watch attached. As he hops into town, he is singing “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” on repeat. He poops pastel eggs in hiding spots all over your yard. Sorry, but I never see the Easter Bunny carrying a sack and this is the only explanation I have for Easter Eggs. He does have a magic wand. The magic Harry Potter wand is how he creates Easter Baskets filled with candy and Easter toys. If you do not like my version of the Easter Bunny, you can always choose to go a different route and tell your kids about the Frank the Bunny. Good luck on selling Frank the Bunny to your kids.
My Easter Bunny seems pretty awesome about now, doesn’t it? I don’t see ol’ Frank the Bunny pooping pastel eggs.
2. The Tooth Fairy. This lady is a tough sell for me. To imagine a lady, a fairy, sneaking in for old baby teeth is up there with the cannibalistic witch from Hansel & Gretel. The tooth fairy personifies CREEPY. My tooth fairy is toothless, thus is the reason she is seeking teeth. I also want her to be a ratchet. She is wearing a ragged black glitter tutu and fishnet stocking with holes. Her Mary Jane style heels are broken and she has bald spots. She looks more like a wicked witch, however she has tattered wings. The old broken down ripped wings are due to the fact she is constantly flying around grabbing teeth from under children’s pillows and trading them for money. Trading money for old teeth is the worst idea ever. Whomever invented the tooth fairy was on crack, obviously. This is a horrible lie to feed children. In fact, the entire idea of a tooth fairy is downright terrifying. Even as a child I thought this was a messed up concept, and now I really got to come up with some kind of a better lie than this to tell my child. I can’t tell him this idea. This tooth fairy makes Frank the Bunny look mild and tame. Frank the Bunny is not mild and tame. He is warped. He is from another dimension.
3. Santa Claus (aka St. Nicholas, Papa Noel, Father Christmas, ect.) And we reach the biggest lie of all. I like my Santa to look like the one off the Coca Cola advertisements.
He looks jolly. He looks fun. And his rotund nature reminds me there is always someone watching you. Once again, a horrible lie to feed children. No Saint has God like powers to see every misbehavior. We raise children to believe they are constantly being watched.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!”
And somewhere down the old timeline, we have added a creepy ass doll called “Elf on a Shelf” to help perpetrate the Santa myth. Let’s create an air of paranoia and the feeling of constantly being watched so we can instill fear in our children. I am having a hard time playing along with the parental guidelines. However, the worst thing Santa ever can do is leave you a bag of coal in your stocking. He will not flutter into your room while you are asleep to snatch your old baby teeth. Shew, there’s some good news.
Contrary to what my husband thinks, I will not participate in the “Elf on the Shelf.” And Santa only knows if you have been bad or good because Mommy and Daddy filled him in. Kids got enough to worry about without the added stress of imagining Santa as an omnipotent being constantly watching them and sneaking into their house to eat cookies while delivering presents or coal. I will try to work on my lying skills. I know there is a long road ahead of me where I will be feeding mythical lies to my child. And I really need to work on my Tooth Fairy lie.